Life is a mess right now. My anxiety is making it hard to accomplish anything. I sent the kids to our heated garage/playroom so I could pick up the house. The only thing I have successfully done in the two hours since is organize the medicine baskets that sit on top of the fridge. Connor came in for a bit to play piano and unload some of his stress. He mentioned that my issue is probably just that there is so much to do. Always. And it probably feels too overwhelming to tackle. That is exactly it. There is so much mess and chaos around me I feel like I’m suffocating. I cannot focus on any one part. It is nearly impossible to clean with 4 small children following like tornadoes right behind. There’s not often a break from it either. No date nights or get away time with the husband. No time to reset and rejeuvenate as adults until after 8:30 at night and by then I’m almost ready to collapse into bed.
We knew when we moved out here this is how it would be. There wasn’t much help when we were 1 hour from family so realistically there would be even less help from 3 hours away. Knowing that doesn’t make the hard days any easier though. It’s like my old self is sitting there saying “I told you so” when I really just need someone else to answer the kids 9 million questions for an hour. I’m sure this reads a bit like I am biter with my family for not being available. Thats not it at all. My dad has needed a few surgeries the past couple years and it has been hard on his body. It makes a 3 hour drive not easily doable. You add that to the fact that Friday through Tuesday my parents are the primary caregivers for my 6 month old niece. Connor does have two sisters we trust impeccably with our kids but they live 9 hours away. It’s just hard. It’s hard never to have time with my husband that isn’t crazy late at night when we have no energy to tackle any projects, or filled with kids. And while they try to help, often they do the opposite.
I lost it on our older two last night. 3 times now over the last few weeks I’ve told them to pick up their room. Most of our toys are in our garage/playroom so there isnt much to clean in their bedroom. I “happily” helped them get back to base line a week and a half ago. We picked up the trash, magnatiles, books, dirty clothes, and put blankets on bed. With my help it takes maybe 30 minutes. Without my help I would assume it would take about an hour. I say assume because so far they don’t do it without my help. I try all the “things your supposed to say” to encourage them to get it done. “Hayden you get the magnatiles while Annabelle gets the dirty clothes”, “If you choose not to clean you’re room you’re also choosing not to have family movie night”, “Wow it looks like you’re working hard! Keep up the good work!”. None of this works. They would rather sit in their mess doing nothing for 6 hours than pick up the few things that need to be done.
After 5ish hours yesterday of them constantly coming downstairs when I had explicitly told them to stay upstairs until their room was done, I had enough. I went up with a garbage bag and started filling it. Not the best mommy. moment Ive had this week but we’ve all been there right? Annabelle had the audacity to say “this isn’t fair! I want my stuff!”. No lie, I saw red. I started yelling – which turned into a sort of yell sobbing that what wasn’t fair is mommy cleaning everything. All day. Everyday. What isn’t fair is that instead of picking up their room they made the choice to be disrespectful and disruptive instead. I then promptly left. I left my poor husband to deal with the rest of the evening and I retreated to my craft area. To do something for me? No. Of course not. To finish valentines for Hayden’s class party that was supposed to be today. The jokes on me though. With the blizzard we got overnight school was cancelled and his class party will be next Wednesday. Oh well. At least they’re done.
I wouldn’t trade this life for anything but I would maybe barter for a night away with the hubs. Or better yet a weekend at home. We could paint, organize, declutter, prep, clean, you name it and we could do it. We did recently hire a set of sisters who are amazing with the kids. They have very busy lives but hopefully we can use their services to get some of the work around here done. I know Connor would love if I finished the half painted kitchen. I started that last summer I believe.
You add all this on top of the crazy medical issues we’ve been trying to figure out, the two surgeries Ive already had this year, the puppies, homeschooling, the financial stress of it all and its just a lot. I need a nap. A nap that lasts 1-2 days and then maybe I can tackle the world with a vigor I haven’t had in years.